Whatever I do, I hope that you will always be there for me.
It's really not up to me, I mean there are some things that
I just don't have the ability to change it.

a friend of mine has sent me a letter a few days ago. in the letter, she told me that her application for the sec three ASEAN scholarship has been rejected. this friend of mine is one of my tuition friend last time, she's rather strong in her studies during primary school days, yet she did not get in for the interview at that time. so, this is the second time she's trying and she failed once again.

she sounded bloody devastated in the letter, while what i can do was only to tell her not to be sad. because my story is ever sadder than hers, am i right in saying that?

three years ago I stepped into Crescent Girls' School for my ASEAN scholarship entrance test. later, i recieved a letter saying that i am in for the interview session. one week after my annual overseas trip to Australia, i recieved a letter saying that i've got the scholarship. then, on the 27th of december 2002, for the first time in my whole life, i stepped into Nanyang Boarding School, room A3-09. from that day onwards, i started my life as a scholarship holder studying in Nanyang Girls' High School.

two and a half years later, i recieved another letter from the MOE. to me, it seemed like a disaster. that letter stated that my scholarship will not be renewed from july 2004 onwards. after reading that letter, my life as a self-paying student started. it went on and on, on and on, until today, this second that you are reading my blog. along came with my self-paying life was more and more tuition classes, more and more nagging from my parents and more and more decisions that were not made by me. i was not allowed to attend band as usual, not allowed to care for the basses anymore and not allowed to argue with my parents over band.

everything changed so much after that. tiffany left the section, eugenia telling me that she can't perform for the end-of-year concert, EOY results and all the stuff. i began to back off, there are so much for me to care and think about, but my parents made all the decisions. they were the ones forcing me to attend tuition, come back home for revision and not going for band. i didn't choose to live my life like this, i swear i really didn't.

come to think of it, i start to learn about the reality that we must face every now and then. it's no longer about the passion, the dreams and the interest. it's about our responsibility as a student, getting good grades, performing up to task for our academic results. behind all these, it's about not to waste any of my dad's money put into my education. in this society, it's the cert that everybody cares, not about where is your passion, what is your dreams. honestly, i might be telling you that i love music but i don't play or practise any musical instrument. interest and hobbies are just decorative items in our lives, they are not everything.

guess my mind is thinking in a very wierd way today, because i am blogging about all these stuff but it's true! won't your parents tell you the same thing? at least that's what my parents tell me. i guess sometimes we ought to think of all these, a cert versus our passion. maybe what i should say is that dreams are unrealistic while we can never escape from reality. i hope that whatever i am doing now is right, because i've paid a very high price to do so. at this very high price, i guess i've sacrificed some of your trust in me but i really hope that you can put yourself into my shoes and think from my point of view. it's not easy being me, seriously.

i think maybe it's good in some ways for my friend not to take up the scholarship. it'll definately save her from these troubles. as for me, i've fallen into this extremely dark hole filled with lots of needles. i feel the pain while the needle poke into me, but i'll try as hard as i can to get out of this hole. no matter what it takes, i'll try my best to be myself. and i hope that you can help me, will you?

there are many things in our lives that we can't choose, there will always be many factors affecting your choice, resulting in us choosing what we do not want.

i am really sorry to some of you out there for some of my decisions made. guess i can only say so because there are so many things that i didn't choose it myself. really, sorry!

holidays are finally here, wow! my holiday schedule is so bloody pack larh, so guess i don't have much time to play and relax larh. nvm, next year i'll be so happy after my Os. lalala!

kaez, hello everybody, esp those who just came back from respective places. yar, my WEP ended also, quite relieved lar, judging from my pay and work to be done. however, i still like the place. Exklusiv Auto, what a nice place. *Note:any sec 4s that want to earn extra pocket money, can go and work there. hourly rate, $5.50 and above per hour. general filing.

well, many things happened these days lar, got happy ones and also sad ones. shall blog again another day. actually, this entry is to keep this blog 'alive'. yar, just go and thing about the first few sentences larh, i mean it hor!

bye bye, muacks, hugs and kisses to you guys out there.